I sit with a friend, nervously pulling at my hands, feeling anxious and overwhelmed. I have spent the past week unmotivated, lying about the house reading novels instead of exercising, cooking healthy meals, cleaning, or doing anything I deem productive and worthy. She looks at me carefully and says, “I think you are trying too hard to be the person you think you should be, rather than just being.” I look at her warily because I know what she is saying is true, but I have no idea how to just “be!”
In this conundrum between who I am and who I think I should be , Christ is forgotten. He is in the room, but I won’t reach out my hand to Him, or take a moment to listen to His Holy Spirit because I really don’t want to hear what He may say. Scandalous, I know! It is easier to stay where I am, in my familiar routine of what I think I should be doing and how I think I should be doing it.
For years, I have pushed myself to be the girl who has control over her weight, exercises regularly, keeps a clean and stylish house, is always responsible, has the right clothes and bags, and excels at whatever she does. When I am doing all of these things, I feel safe and valuable; when I am not, I feel guilty and ashamed. I have decided that these characteristics will make me valuable enough, and this is who I should be. This quest keeps me in a place of striving and chaos.
Micah 6:8 says:
“He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.”
Who I am in Christ has never been about rituals and routines. It is not about self-promotion or earthly goals and treasures. It is not about seeking a certain number on the bathroom scale or trying to create a certain image. It is about a life devoted to Christ’s work and loving others through a genuinely humble perspective of self.
Who you are in Christ is less about you and more about how your life is bringing Glory to His kingdom.
In my journey with body image, I have spent so much time distracted by self, feeling guilty when I don’t make it to the gym or obsessing about how my clothes are fitting. It has been so important because being thin has been such a big part of who I think I should be. Asking God who He desires for me to be seems scary and uncomfortable because letting go of self is not an easy thing! Still, I challenge you today, as I am challenging myself, to take that leap of faith. This life of striving and constantly thinking about self hasn’t really been all that great. I am willing to bet that the life Christ is calling me to is a lot less complicated and there is freedom in its waiting arms. I don’t have to waste time grasping for worth in myself any longer because in Him I already have it. And sisters, I am ready to just “be!”